Quotations From a Domestic Goddess

The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
I know how to do anything -- I'm a mom.
A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut.
I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open."
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called - Domestic Goddess.
My husband complained to me, he said 'I can't even remember when we last had sex', and I said, 'Well I can and that's why we ain't doin' it.
Women are cursed and men are the proof.
I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.